Saturday, December 27, 2008

Blog 319: Thought as the year closes

As the year comes to a close, and I prepare to celebrate another birthday, I have begun to take an accounting of my life this past year. Thankfully, I am happy with what I see as I overlook the direction my life has taken and the things I've accomplished. Of course, there are things I'd like to improve on, like everyone. But instead of making inane resolutions, I take a look at what things I could do better in the next year and find solid methods to make headway before the year ends - not as the year begins.

Yes, you could say those indeed become resolutions, but I see them as nothing more than improvements. One of the most important things I need to improve on is Time. I need to be on time more. I need to learn to delegate certain projects so I have more time to myself. I need to learn to schedule my time better so I can quit work at a decent hour, and also get more things done during the course of the day. I need to dedicate more time to content production, and more time to producing videos for my fetish company. I need to spend less time working and more time having fun.

I want to start sitting down at the table for dinner with my family instead of eating in front of the computer. I want to watch more tv and play more board games. As cold as its been this month, I've been sitting in front of the fireplace drinking hot chocolate... I need more time to do that. I need to make time to start checking homework more - not just checking off that it was completed. I need more time to travel - home to visit my family in Michigan.

Another thing I want more time to do... is to write. I want to write more letters. I want to write more blogs. I want to have more time to work on my books. I want more time to interview artists. I want to launch my hip hop site...

I need more time during the day...

These last few months, days, weeks I have been taking an accounting of my life and have been clearing out a lot of clutter. This started 2 months ago when I started clearing out the clutter in my body. I had gained an excessive amount of weight, (30 pounds,) at the beginning of the year and found myself dragging - both physically and mentally, due to the excessive baggage I was carrying about. I set about seriously losing the weight 2 months ago when I started seeing Dr. Michael Franco for medical weight loss. Thanks to Dr. Franco's program of diet pills, a Keto-Genic diet, and moderate exercise, I have to date, lost 21 pounds. With 9 more pounds to go, I feel better than before and feel more confident and clear-headed that before.

I've continued to clear out the clutter by organizing not only my possessions, but my family's possessions so that we are not carrying on clutter into the new year. Being part Creole, the superstition of not carrying clutter, trash and dirt into the new year is extremely important to me. I have began making sure that all of my base bills are covered before the year ends so I do not carry debt into the new year. (God knows, I wish I could have cleared my credit of medical bills before the year ended... but my base bills will do.) The last few days, I have been cleaning out closets and piles of paperwork... today I rented a carpet steamer so that I can give the house a once over tomorrow.

The last thing, perhaps the most important... is ridding myself of people that clutter my life. I had an argument with someone recently that I held dear... only to find out what they really thought of me. Often you hear people say, "don't speak when you're angry as you might say something you don't mean or might regret later." I feel the opposite. I think when you are angry, drunk, whatever... you say exactly what you mean. Hearing someone I once held dear call me "a porn whore" to another person after an argument opened my eyes to what this person I invited into my home not only thought of me, but of themselves as well. In clearing the clutter of my life, that includes letting go of people that would delude me into believing they are something they are not.

I've also found myself letting go of friends this year. Two of my friends have had dramas of one sort or another for the last few years. Be the problems with drugs, alcohol, legal problems, financial ones... whatever... I have had to separate myself from them. Their lives are their lives... and despite all the good intentions of helping friends in need, sometimes, the desire to help those in need ultimately clutters my life - when they truly don't want or desire my assistance.

In my search for more time, I'm finding that if I let go of the clutter of unnecessary possessions, responsibilities and friendships, I ultimately will find what I seek - more time.

So if I had to make one resolution, it would have to be to learn to let go - no matter how much people and things try to pull me back in and down... I have to learn to let go for good.

To those I have to let go of this year, my letting go doesn't mean that I don't love you. I do... but your drama isn't my concern any longer. In the words of myLove... I love you, but I love me more.

I am grateful for many things.. I am fastly approaching my 16 year anniversary in the porn industry, and am thankful to still be able to work as often as I like. I am happy to be in working on not one but 2 books, and proudly say that the first of 2 on relationships with sex workers is phenomenal. :) I'm excited at the possibility of redesigning this year. I am beyond over the moon in love with Jax, and look forward to celebrating out one year anniversary together at AVN next month. I am grateful that my younger brother JP, is out of prison after 8 years and can finally be with his little girl and her mother without boundaries. I am happy to still be cancer-free and promise myself to go back to seeing my doctor regularly for check-ups. I love my therapist... and am finally at terms with the bipolar II disorder I have been struggling with for more than 22 years.

I promise, this year I will blog more often. Its been a busy year... I've grown so much and have so much to look forward to. I can't wait to turn 35 next week. I've always done wild parties every year and am looking forward to spending a quiet night with my man and my family this year instead...

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