Monday, August 29, 2011

Not a Love Letter #1

"Be Still My Beating Heart" - Sting

"Be still my beating heart
It would be better to be cool
It's not time to be open just yet
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget
Be still my beating heart
Or I'll be taken for a fool
It's not healthy to run at this pace
The blood runs so red to my face
I've been to every single book I know
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so

I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion
Stop before you start
Be still my beating heart

Restore my broken dreams
Shattered like a falling glass
I'm not ready to be broken just yet
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget

Be still my beating heart
You must learn to stand your ground
It's not healthy to run at this pace
The blood runs so red to my face
I've been to every single book I know
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so

Stop before you start
Be still my beating heart

Never to be wrong
Never to make promises that break
It's like singing in the wind
Or writing on the surface of a lake
And I wriggle like a fish caught on dry land
And I struggle to avoid any help at hand

I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion
Stop before you start
Be still my beating heart"

5 am and here I am...
headphones in my ear listening to this track on repeat.
I'm rarely one for remakes of classic songs...
Especially being a 70s baby and having very intimate memories of the originals.
This one however not only does it justice...
It helps me relate in a way that Sting's version didn't.
Through Nikki Jean's voice I hear my own..
Once naive and vulnerable...
Finding my way through rebounds trying not to carry baggage from one relationship into the next.
Perhaps more well known than my wet blowjobs on television screens
I am best known for saying,

"I will not hold a man responsible for the mistakes of those that have come before him... Instead, I'll hold each man responsible for his own fuck-ups."

In doing this, I allow myself to feel whatever I feel.
I let myself experience whatever moment is there...
Fully, completely, and without shame or fear.
Because if it doesn't work out?
There are tons of other fish in the sea.

I've never been one to walk up to a velvet rope and demand star treatment on some,

"Do you know who I am?!?!"

type shit... Even though I could... Because hell, I'm legendary...
But instead, I stay humble.
However, in relationships I'm a little different...
Because I know I'm the shit.
Fortunately for me,
I had good home training.

I've always been the girl with lots of guy friends.
I hear what they complain about...
Chicks that can't cook their way out of a cardboard box
Chicks that keep a filthy house
Chicks that don't raise their kids
Chicks that know the lastest pop artist's favorite color
But don't know who Qaddafi is.
Or What the Middle Passage was
Or that they are a part of the African Diaspora...

And worse...

Act like their are too good to rub their man's shoulders
after a long day.
Or argue with him over some chick whose ass he happened to glance at walking down the street
Even though he's holding her hand...
Or tell him he ain't shit because he's struggling to find a job
Even though he's college educated
and goes out every day looking
and not just...
sitting on the sofa smoking weed and playing video games.

Yeah... I'm not that girl.

I'm the one that will fall asleep on the sofa waiting for him to come home from work at 2am and make him a hot meal...
And bring home my pay check so we can take care of "Us" because I know there's no "I" in "Team."
I'm the woman that will admire the hot ass walking by with my man
and can carry on a conversation about world affairs and introduce my man to artists that never get played on the radio...

I'm not the one trying to rush a man to the alter
Or trap him with a baby...
Or tell him he ain't shit because I know that unemployment is at an all time high
and that shit isn't about to change overnight just because we have a Black President.
I'm the woman that will make dinner every night so we can not only balance our budget but insure the health of the family that I was blessed by the universe to care for...
I'm the woman that will make his grandmother's chicken soup when he's ill
and call his mother when I have done the best I can
and shed so many tears that they can be measured on a scale.

In short... I'm every man's fantasy...
And not just because I spread my legs on screen.

So when the time comes and I move on... I move on.
I'm not here to play games.

I haven't been single since 1989 and for a good reason
Good women are hard to find.
Most men are smart...
When they find a woman that
cooks and cleans and displays intellect
and cares for family and community
and Him...
And is willing to give him what he needs emotionally
and satisfies his desires in the bedroom...

They grab hold of her and lock her down with the quickness.

For the first time in a long time I find myself single.
I have shared much of my romance with "J" over the last 2 years,
and my relationship with "Jax" for the two years prior,
and before that my on-going love affair with "myLove,"
and various other suitors with my fans online.
Never before have so many of you become so involved in my love life before.
Perhaps the advent of twitter allowing you into our home
so that you could experience our highs, lows, love and pain alongside us
has given you all a vested interest in our lives together.

Before anyone asks... I don't hate him.
He doesn't hate me...
We still love one another very, very much...
but at this time, we need to pursue other paths in life.

Its ironic... I don't remember the last time a relationship ended because the other person broke up with me...
and yet it always pains me so much to end something that has meant so much to me.
When I broke up with J last month...
I cried for days...
I love him that much but I realized its time to move on...
at least for now.
Up until yesterday we have only spoken by text or IM because speaking by voice was just so painful we'd merely start arguing. Its my hope that one day we make our way back to baseline.

That may never happen because as in true form...

I've already started seeing someone new.

And a significant person from my past has resurfaced.

Oh... and the first woman I ever fell for has popped up as well...

"The sharks can smell always smell blood when there's a wounded fish in the water..."

As for this someone new...
He's almost perfect for me on paper.
He's 44, from Brooklyn, educated, with a dry wit and an intense love for hip hop. He takes care of his mother, doesn't have any children - but wants them. Never married, but wants to before having children. He's spiritual, civic minded and is a huge Sinnamon Love fan.

And there's the crux.
I don't date fans.
You never know where they are coming from...
And we are definitely dating.

Ugh and Grr...

I've rationalized that if I allow myself to just enjoy it and not think too much about it then it will be fine...
But I think to much
And I'm still in love with another man
And the new guy...
well I think he underestimates the potential impact that who I am could have on who he is...
So I withhold
and pull-back
and resist...

And he seems to want to delve deeper..
And so I open up a little more...
And let him refer to us as a "relationship" and "friendship"
in separate terms and yet at the same time...
Until that moment when he reminds me that
I was never supposed to move to New York
And makes me wonder if he's scared
or confused
or worried that I may be placing expectations that he isn't ready for...
Even though...
He's the one that hunted me...

And so.. I recoil.
Still fragile from ending a relationship that I thought would last forever
I be still my beating heart...
Before I'm taken for a fool...
Because I'm not ready to be that open again.
I'm so easily convinced to fall...
But I don't want to get hurt.
I learned my lessons from the last relationship
so as to not make the same mistakes in the next one.

I think he thinks that I want more than I want right at this moment...
When what I really want is his warm body next to mine
His strong hands clasping mine while he whispers in my ear...
His, expert fingertips running through my hair
and tracing my face and committing it to memory...
His tongue exploring my mouth...

I want him to make me think its real...
even if for a few moments so I can forget that I'm still in love with someone else...
I want him to fall so madly for me that I have no choice but to follow suit...
Even if for a few hours.

I just want to feel free to be myself with him
I want him to be a substitute for the man I love for a little while
until I get over the pain so I won't feel weak and go back to him...

The bad part is...
I really like this guy.
He knows it
J knows it...

And that's dangerous.

"I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion"

The hunted is trying not to be prey...

"Stop before you start"

Take a deep breath Sinn...

"Be still my beating heart"

I'd love to imagine something more with this guy...
but I'm still trying to figure out his angle.
Until I can..
or he adequately convinces me that he really just wants me..
for no other reason than he can't imagine not having me
I think I'm going to take that breather
Because I tried responding in kind to his advances..
and now I feel like he's confused.

And I refuse to give chase.

"Don't you know who I am? I'm Sinnamon Love...


1 comment:

  1. The first part makes you nearly sound perfect. Since you are taking a break from dating you wouldn't happen to have a clone I could go out with?

    As for the new guy and taking a break. It's a good ideal to take a break for relationships sometimes. Be straight forward about needing a break and I think most people will understand so unless the guy is really thickheaded I would assume he would.