Blog 269: Masochisitic Tendencies

I wish I could explain to you what makes me run so…
Much like Carrie and Big
I am addicted to the pain of the unattainable.
I masochistically open myself up to the possibilities
Of every situation that seems plausible to my beating heart.
I can't move slowly
I don't know how to take my time
To let relationships simmer
To see where they lead…
Naively & juvenile as it may seem
When it feels good to me,
I let it.
Like a schoolgirl blindly following a crush
And imagining it to be something more than it really is…
I give myself wholly to each experience
Even if it means enduring pain later
Leaving me sobbing on the floor of my closet
Trying to prevent anyone else from hearing my anguish.
Even if it means that it only lasts
a few days
a few months
a few years…

Pain is an acceptable consequence
Of such a divine lesson
That only God could endorse.
I recommend that everyone fall madly in love
If only for a few moments
Just once.
To experience what lust
And anger
And pleasure
And sadness
And joy
And loss feels like.
Without these experiences
How can we possibly grow as humans?
My heart has been given to fewer than my body.
And despite fear and hurt
I would do it all over again
Every single time.
From the first boy
That rode me on the back of his moped
To the one today that breaks my heart
every time he walks out my door…
I love them all, still.
That love is what makes me who I am
Strong enough to walk away
Yet even stronger to stay when I want to run.
And today, I feel the same feelings
That will eventually lead to doubt
And fear and questionable regret.
But I dive head-first anyway
Hoping to learn something about myself
When this whole debacle has ended.

The Freudian slips he makes
When we speak
The way he touches me
Like some lust driven apparition in his absence…
Makes it all worthwhile.
I can only hope to one day become his muse.
To have sonnets and characters played out on screen
In memorium
Of a Love unrequited.
Of a life lived fully and unconditionally…
As I will give him what I have given every man before him

Everything I am.

Regardless of whether he responds in kind
It matters not…
Because I will have done my part
To have give Love
To have shared Love
To have been Love
To have given the gift of freedom
And peace
And restored order
And confidence
In a Man worth having.

Even if he takes that lesson elsewhere.

In that confession alone,
I know that this is the real thing.
This is a Man I will Love.
Even if for a day
For a month
For a year…

And I tearfully, happily accept that duty.