The kidlet in fast asleep, the dog's in his kennel and my dad is asleep on my sofa.
But I won't sleep anytime soon...
Not unless I mix this 3rd glass of red wine with ambien at least...
AEE was both amazing an tragic. My new publicist introduced me to they guy that will be doing my new skateboard line... someone is interested in possibly using me as a 3D scan in a video game, and we tested lots of people at the TKNO booth during the convention. I did interviews with Gamelink, Fleshbot, and Streets Magazine amongst many others.. and signed lots of autographs and took way too many pictures. But at least I looked good in my Nurse's outfit... oh, except that I was cramping and thought I was going to start my period s I slipped in a "just in case tampon," and was photographed for a couple of hours with a string hanging and no one bothered telling me...
My good friend Mistress Delilah stopped by the booth during a break from signing for Kick Ass Pictures. Delilah is Pakistani from the waist up and Puerto Rican from the waist down and 100% True Domina! She's my true heart and I love her dearly like a sister. :)
Kitten, Kapri and I looked fabulous in our Nurses costumes, and drew lots of attention on Friday all dressed up. The other girls changed into their booty shorts and t-shirts later in the day, but I loved my costume and the attention in brought. :)
It feels good to be home. My feet are finally starting to not kill me... and no, my Jax didn't take home Best Director - Ethnic, (Jules Jordan took that honor,) and yes, we spent most of our anniversary tiffing about one thing or another... for various reason, (and yes, to the point of my being pulled off the awards show floor by the lovely Mellisa Monet and into the bathroom when she saw tears in my eyes...) And let's not forget my purse being lifted by some fan asking to take a photo with me on the awards show floor - resulting in losing my phone for the 2nd time in a week along with my ID - but something bigger than all that happened during the convention.
On my way out of the convention on day 3, I had a brief 10 minute conversation with the owner of one of the larger companies in the business about something I've been working on for awhile. Someone close to me mentioned I should take my product to the head of sales of his company but I bypassed and took the opportunity I saw when he was sitting alone for a moment. He listened, joked, and asked me to send him something to look at. Now... its all I can think about. I have some stuff in the can, but my vision is so much more in depth than what I've produced already. I belong at this company... I can taste it.
My vision of an ethnic presence in fetish and BDSM videos is so elaborate.. my knowledge of kink and niche marketing so vast... I know that what I envision will not only sell, but create a new market that others will emulate. In searching databases... titles featuring basic internet keywords that seem so simple and obvious to me, have never been produced as video titles. Jax and I had a conversation this weekend, once again, about working together to create something amazing.... but I can't stop. I can't turn off my brain. I'm already 5 steps ahead and have my 3rd title on paper. I see things... I know things...
We had a conversation tonight about my creative energy and what it will take to harness it. I lack the technical skills but my creativity knows no boundary. I'm a Capricorn with a creative side.. a dangerous combination. I see an empty marketplace and envision a creative solution to fulfilling a void. But instead of waiting for someone else to make it happen, I put down on paper all the necessary steps, in raw detail, of what it will take to bring it to fruition. I'm a planner, an organizer... as well as the creative. I just lack the technical ability to make it happen. *Sigh*
I explained to Jax tonight how frustrated I had become with others profiting from my knowledge and how THIS is my time. I genuinely feel this is my last chance to do something truly great in my industry. It frustrates me because my directorial debut garnered 4 stars from AVN, a pre-nom for best anal sex scene, nominations for best anal and best ethnic series... and yet the review began with, "despite being directed by a woman..." during a time when female directors were rare... and wasn't released with the right company to take home any awards. I've worked with people starting websites, I partnered in a webcam company, I helped produce a magazine and was "almost" named their new publisher before they decided to just pack up and fold due to personal issues... I know a lot about my industry, and after 16 years, it hasn't gotten me a whole hell of a lot.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't get into this for the fame. I got into it as a single mom in college that didn't want to go on welfare. I finished school, but reluctantly became famous along the way. I love my job, I love the life I've been afforded because of it... but I.Want.More. While others dream of award wins for their performances, I want people to see what decadence and deviance lies in my brain. I don't want to direct simple, formulaic hardcore movies and compete with the other 20 talent turned directors out there... I dream of something so much more complex and personally fulling. I know I can do this.
Sex has depth and layers to it. I have always dreamt in technicolor... and finally, after almost 16 years, I can finally get this image out of my head and on wax, err... film... video?
I'm glad Jax and I fought this weekend. I'm glad we are having frank discussions about our wants and desires and hopes and dreams, not just personally and intimately, but professionally as well. I see things... I always have. I'm on the brink of something great and I want... no, I need his help to make it happen. Only because I love him can I let him in to this part of my life.
I see things... clearly.
...just wait until I show you so your eyes can be opened for the first time too.
~*~ Sinny ~*~